This Sunday

Main Point: Christian marriage isn't about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." — Philippians 2:3–7 (NIV)

Horseman One: Criticism 

Gottman defines criticism as attacking your spouse's character rather than addressing a specific behavior.

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." — Colossians 4:6 (NIV)

Horseman Two: Contempt 



It looks like sarcasm used as a weapon.  Eye-rolling to discredit. Mockery. Condescension. Disgust. And many times in faith-based relationships, a whole lotta self-righteousness. 

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

"Honor one another above yourselves." — Romans 12:10b (NIV)

Horseman Three: Defensiveness

Gottman describes defensiveness as responding to a complaint with a counter-complaint. It's making yourself the victim in a moment when your spouse actually needs you to hear them.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." — James 1:19 (NIV)

A fool speaks his mind, but a wise man holds it in and waits.— Proverbs 29:11

Horseman Four: Stonewalling 

Stonewalling is what happens when the conversation gets too heavy and one partner simply shuts down.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  Galatians 6:2 (ESV)

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

We love because he first loved us. — 1 John 4:19 (NIV)